more stuff from the email
My thanks to my bud, JB, who posted these. Thank heavens for late-night TV!
Bill Maher:
"The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first -- a disaster they were actually prepared for"
"The Iraq situation is getting so bad that the president and his military advisors are holding an emergency meeting this weekend. ... Experts think Bush may be serious about a new plan, because he sent an aide to Toys 'R' Us to pick up a big box of Army Men."
"The U.N. says that over 900,000 Iraqis have fled their homes since the war started. Dick Cheney says it just looks like they're fleeing. They're actually just running down the street yelling, 'Yipee, we're free!'"
"How many know who T.R. Knight is? Apparently, he's one of the actors on 'Grey's Anatomy.' ... Yesterday, he came out in the press and said, 'Yep, I'm gay.' You know what? Come on man, this is the 21st century -- nobody cares if you're a Republican. ... Every week there seems like there's a new gay Republican. Idaho Senator Larry Craig is facing allegations. ... Arizona's Congressman Jim Kolbe apparently a gay man and now named as a possible target in a federal investigation over allegations he did something a little weird with the pages. Boy and we laughed when Dick Cheney was caught shooting a guy in the face."
"Mark Foley looks like he's going to escape criminal charges because apparently his pattern was to seduce boys verbally when they were like 16 and 17, and wait until they were 18 to actually ... I tell you, Republicans have sex the same way they govern -- barely legal."
Leno
"In a speech at a school in Greensboro, North Carolina, President Bush says he knows what it's like when a child can't read, ... he knows what it's like when a child just shuffles through school. You know what happens to that kid? He could wind up President of the United States."
"In Las Vegas, a 32-year-old mother told police that Republican Congressman Jim Gibbons, who is running for governor in Nevada, got drunk, put his hand on her thigh, complained about his marriage and then tried to have sex with her in the parking garage. A congressman trying to have sex with an adult woman? This is the best news Republicans have had in years"
Letterman:
"Bush is getting rid of the phrase, 'stay the course.' That was his phrase for the entire war. ... Maybe the phrase should have been, 'Find bin Laden.' ... Do you miss the old days when the phrase was, 'Stay under the desk'?"
on Bush using Google to look at satellite photos of the Crawford ranch: "Well, great. How about looking for Osama bin Laden?"
on Bush signing a bill to build a 700-mile border fence: "I'm thinking to myself, 'I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal'"
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Voting for Schwarzenegger (10/24 show)
10. Do I feel comfortable having a governor who oils his chest?
9. Have I thoroughly considered Stallone, Van Damme and Seagal?
8. Is 'Come on, it'll be funny' a good reason to vote for someone?
7. Has he done enough to make California a laughingstock?
6. How can I be sure he'll be just as Schwarzeneggy this time around?
5. Can I bench-press more today than I could three years ago?
4. What would Predator do?
3. Will he cut taxes on steroids?
2. He won't embarrass us, will he?
1. Have I lost my mind?
Jimmy Kimmel
"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures ... [on screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. ... Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years?"
And finally, here is a pretty good read that may help to level things out as we all mentally toil over our impending choices a week from tomorrow.
Stay focused. Have some fun, inject a little humor into things, but stay focused.
Bill Maher:
"The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first -- a disaster they were actually prepared for"
"The Iraq situation is getting so bad that the president and his military advisors are holding an emergency meeting this weekend. ... Experts think Bush may be serious about a new plan, because he sent an aide to Toys 'R' Us to pick up a big box of Army Men."
"The U.N. says that over 900,000 Iraqis have fled their homes since the war started. Dick Cheney says it just looks like they're fleeing. They're actually just running down the street yelling, 'Yipee, we're free!'"
"How many know who T.R. Knight is? Apparently, he's one of the actors on 'Grey's Anatomy.' ... Yesterday, he came out in the press and said, 'Yep, I'm gay.' You know what? Come on man, this is the 21st century -- nobody cares if you're a Republican. ... Every week there seems like there's a new gay Republican. Idaho Senator Larry Craig is facing allegations. ... Arizona's Congressman Jim Kolbe apparently a gay man and now named as a possible target in a federal investigation over allegations he did something a little weird with the pages. Boy and we laughed when Dick Cheney was caught shooting a guy in the face."
"Mark Foley looks like he's going to escape criminal charges because apparently his pattern was to seduce boys verbally when they were like 16 and 17, and wait until they were 18 to actually ... I tell you, Republicans have sex the same way they govern -- barely legal."
Leno
"In a speech at a school in Greensboro, North Carolina, President Bush says he knows what it's like when a child can't read, ... he knows what it's like when a child just shuffles through school. You know what happens to that kid? He could wind up President of the United States."
"In Las Vegas, a 32-year-old mother told police that Republican Congressman Jim Gibbons, who is running for governor in Nevada, got drunk, put his hand on her thigh, complained about his marriage and then tried to have sex with her in the parking garage. A congressman trying to have sex with an adult woman? This is the best news Republicans have had in years"
Letterman:
"Bush is getting rid of the phrase, 'stay the course.' That was his phrase for the entire war. ... Maybe the phrase should have been, 'Find bin Laden.' ... Do you miss the old days when the phrase was, 'Stay under the desk'?"
on Bush using Google to look at satellite photos of the Crawford ranch: "Well, great. How about looking for Osama bin Laden?"
on Bush signing a bill to build a 700-mile border fence: "I'm thinking to myself, 'I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal'"
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Voting for Schwarzenegger (10/24 show)
10. Do I feel comfortable having a governor who oils his chest?
9. Have I thoroughly considered Stallone, Van Damme and Seagal?
8. Is 'Come on, it'll be funny' a good reason to vote for someone?
7. Has he done enough to make California a laughingstock?
6. How can I be sure he'll be just as Schwarzeneggy this time around?
5. Can I bench-press more today than I could three years ago?
4. What would Predator do?
3. Will he cut taxes on steroids?
2. He won't embarrass us, will he?
1. Have I lost my mind?
Jimmy Kimmel
"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures ... [on screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. ... Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years?"
And finally, here is a pretty good read that may help to level things out as we all mentally toil over our impending choices a week from tomorrow.
Stay focused. Have some fun, inject a little humor into things, but stay focused.
posted by eccentric recluse at 7:51 AM
5 Comments:
BRILLIANT!!!! I only regret not seeing these jokes played live by these guys.
Love the Aqualung avatar.
Thanks thomp, come on back around sometime!
E_R
ah, these are awesome!
so scary that they actually portray the truth!
love the dig on ol' Arnie. :)
Roy
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